Four Hundred and Seventy-Three

Dear Callumz,

You really don't have any idea how much you mean to me. You do a lot for me- you make me feel better when I am just in the world's worst mood; you would do anything to make me happy and to just smile, and you're there for me when I really need it. 

I'll never not be grateful for everything you do, and I hope I can manage to somehow repay you for your sweet and gentle personality- and of course, the funny, silly, and just generally amazing other side. 

Basically, you're everything I could ever need or want- and more.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Seventy-Four

Dear Callumz,

I could tell you that today, you've already gotten your love letter, handwritten and all, tied up with a pretty bow and some chocolates. However because I'm the hopeless romantic that I am and always will be, I'm going to write another.

I love you, Callum. Making you happy brings a smile to my face and I love doing it. Your own smile is infectious- I can't help but grin stupidly every single time I see it.

I'm also so relieved- your mum doesn't have a problem with me. I don't think you'll even truly understand how much that actually means to me- to know that she's happy for us is something I think I will be grateful for every day of my life. To me it means that we can be together forever: no regrets, no secrets, no lies.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Seventy-Five

Dear Callumz,

Have you ever noticed that we don't ever spend a night quite the same way more than once? One night we might curl up and watch a movie; the next we might have a deep and meaningful discussion; the night after we might just stuff around pretending to be velociraptors.

I like that we have no set way of doing things; we don't stay in a rut like so many long distance relationships end in.

Tonight is a night I just feel like spending with you doing nothing at all. Just relaxing; listening to your voice, just being together. I love the sound of your accent; the sound of your breathing; the sound of you wriggling around to get comfy. And I know that it sounds corny as hell, but I love just being with you, just because you're you.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Seventy-Six

Dear Callumz,

There are a multitude of things you say and do that piss me off to the nth degree.

I saw you last night, and it was great. I hadn't seen your face in a week, and I missed it- the way your eyes sparkle with the light of a flirty comment; the smooth tenderness of your lips either breaking into a grin or kissing me. The way your hands, so much bigger than mine, dart across the screen and the glimmer of your skin.

Okay, after writing this I'm not angry anymore. I love you; I love you very much. And I suppose that's what love is: finding someone you want to be with no matter what they do to piss you off.

We don't agree on everything, but we do on the stuff that matters, I guess. And we feel the same way about each other, and we both know it.

There's no secret- we love each other. Plain and simple.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Seventy-Seven

Dear Callumz,

Reflecting on things from our past...our favourite games when we were little; silly things we used to do and say. It makes me realise just how lucky I am to be with someone like you. Someone who isn't afraid to be there for me, and make the most of the distance between us.

It would be so easy to mope around, plucking the petals from a daisy and wondering when we'll be together, but we have other ideas. We spend as much time talking as we can, and we do things together- playing silly but fun games together-truth or dare (until we realised the dare part wouldn't really work); paper scissors rock; tic-tac-toe and other little flash games. 

Being with you and doing those little things together makes me happy. They make me feel like I can give you something from three thousand k's away.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Seventy-Eight

Dear Callumz,

You are so many things that you don't exactly realise. You're a friend, a boyfriend, a future husband. You're the world's greatest designer; you're a computer technician; you're a soulmate to me. You have a gentle way of talking to me that makes me feel precious and needed.

And now it's time for me to pay it forward and show you that you're perfect. Because you are perfect, even if you don't realise it. You are good looking, you're sweet, you're thoughtful, you're a gentleman (a rarity in this day and ages) and you're funny and smart. All you need to do is realise it and be proud of it.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Seventy-Nine

Dear Callumz,

We made it through, and I'm so glad of that. I don't know what I would've done if something had gone absolutely horribly, terribly wrong. 

Right now, I need you. Things aren't going right, and I need you to help me stay strong. I know you'll stay here for me, and you're always here if I need to talk- you will never truly know how much I appreciate that. You always stand by me when I need you to, and I cannot thank you enough, or tell you just how much I love you. 

Last night was a great big misunderstanding...I'll stop talking about it now, and I promise I do forgive you, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry I didn't listen or let you explain. A relationship is about two people being in love and enjoying the time they have together. I forgot that for a minute there, and you reminded me of how important it is to love the one you are with, and I am glad that you helped me to remember.

Thank you for not giving up on me.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Eighty

Dear Callumz,

I'm going to do this anyway, even though it doesn't exactly change anything...

I'm hurt. You hurt me. You're sorry, but it still hurts. It hurts that you didn't trust me, and the lie itself, even when I thought it was the truth...it hurt.

If we were together, I'd probably want space; though the funny thing is we have far too much of it. Except it's really not funny at all.

I just hope we can make it through.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Eighty-One

Dear Callumz,

Last night was incredible...hearing you and talking and laughing with you never ceases to bring sunshine to a stormy day.

Mentioning you today to a good friend, she said she was jealous of the strength of our relationship. Our ability to remain the closest of friends with the addition of a committed relationship is uncommon, let alone having all this while in two parts of the world.

You are one on six billion, and in four hundred and eighty one days, you'll see just how much that means to me.

Because it means one hell of a lot.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Eighty-Two

Dear Callumz,

It finally feels like my life is close to starting. Seeing everything available to me today was scary but exciting at the same time. It feels like just yesterday we were together there and now I'm a year away from graduating.

The most important thing I realised today though is how much I want and need you in my life. Whenever I saw a technology course on offer, I would immediately think of you.

I want to have a life with you, where we can do anything we want to do. In four hundred and eighty two days, we'll have that.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Eighty-Three

Dear Callumz,

Today we put everything out on the table. All our fears, all our worries, all our arguments. All our wants, all our needs, all our hopes. It's something I find difficult, especially with you, because I just don't want to say something that will wind up hurting you.

But in the end, after all the tears and anger I had at myself, it was worth it. I yelled and cried and prayed I wouldn't say something stupid...and I did, a few times. But we both know that we've come out stronger, each knowing what the other wants and understanding how to get there.

We may not have resolved every tiny detail in an afternoon. There are still plenty of kinks and bends to figure out. But we'll get there. We still have another four hundred and eighty three days.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Eighty-Four

Dear Callumz,

There are many people I talk to every day. There are some who are  my friends, and others who I don't like.

Then there is the person who means more to me than anyone else- you.

You are my friend, my boyfriend, my true love. The person I can always trust; the person I can always talk to; the person who will never let me down. You're the person who makes me feel like I mean something; the person who takes away all my hurt.

You're the person who I need in my life, no matter what.

Love always, 
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Eighty-Five

Dear Callumz,

If I don't get the chance to say it at any other time tonight, I'll say it now...I love you.

I love the way you smile.
I love the way you sound when you wake up- a whole bunch of moaning and groaning.
I love the way you whisper cute things to me.
I love the way you always try [and do] to make me happy.
I love the way you talk to me about everything- the little trivial things and the big important things; and everything in between.

It means a lot that we can be so honest and so trusting with each other. I wouldn't want to have it any other way.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Eighty-Six

Dear Callumz,

Ever since I was little, I've dreamed of finding someone who I fell in love with. A prince living in a castle, and I would be the princess, and we'd live happily ever after.

Life isn't exactly a fairytale and knights in shining armour don't exactly roam through the streets. But that doesn't mean I haven't fallen in love with someone. It just so happens that you have a Mac instead of a white horse and speak with a Kiwi accent as opposed to old and proper English.

But you're better than a prince any day.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Eighty-Seven

Dear Callumz,

I love being with you. Every second I can hear you in some way- hear you breathing, whispering, laughing...every second is amazing. It is impossible not to smile when we're playing some kind of silly game we've just made up in a second, or arguing over whose apple drawing was the best- even though I won fair and square.

I grin every time I see a little red number in the corner of the little green iMessage icon, and nothing can beat the banner saying you're calling me on Skype. 

The only thing that could be better is four hundred and eighty seven days away.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Eighty-Eight

Dear Callumz,

Last night was special. I was so close to not being with you, but in the end, it all worked out. It's like our love- strong, powerful; unbreakable. 

It's like us being together in years to come. As messy and as complicated as it may be in the lead up, trying to be in the one country, it will be worth it in the end when it comes together. It has to be, because we are meant to be together.

Other's plans and opinions are irrelevant so long as we continue to feel the way we do about each other. And given our commitment to what we have, that won't ever change.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Eighty-Nine

Dear Callumz,

There's so much I want to say, but so much of it can't be put into words...you should know that I love you more than anything in the world. Even then, it's an understatement. I can not express exactly how much you mean to me.

I spend every moment thinking about you- remembering little things you've said or done over the past five months; wondering what little things you'll say and do over the next four hundred and eighty nine days- and beyond.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Ninety

Dear Callumz,

Last night was the best night of my life. Being with you for the first time in what felt like ages was well worth the wait.

Seeing your face; your smile; your lit up eyes made me happy. Knowing that it was because of me made me feel that I'm worth something in the world.

I long for the feeling of your arms wrapped around me. Being held by you, savouring every moment in your tender embrace- I long for the day.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Ninety-One

Dear Callumz,

I missed you again last night. It hurts. I know that we can be apart, but it doesn't make it any less painful to be without you.

Tonight I'll make up for it; I have to. I need to show you how much you mean to me, because you do. You mean the sun, the moon and the stars to me. You're my one and only, my soul mate, the love of my life; my boyfriend. My Callumz.

In four hundred and ninety one days, we can be together. I can be with you and we can spend every second together and we can begin our life. I don't know exactly how it will pan out, but I do know that it's meant to be.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Ninety-Two

Dear Callumz,

Even though it's only six hours apart, it feels like a thousand. It's only four hundred and ninety two days until I can look into your eyes and tell you this.

I love you so much. I couldn't stand waking up without you this morning. I realised immediately that my headphones weren't in, and I felt my heart break.

I can't bear to be without you like that, especially when I see you do something romantic as you'd done this morning. I don't care that you didn't realise the date; I only care about being with you, because I love you.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Ninety-Three

Dear Callumz,

It's a special day, so I decided to do something I know you'll like.

"The time has now come,

The eleventh has arrived,

Five month come to pass.

"The day has arrived

For me to tell you just how

Much that I love you."

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Ninety-Four

Dear Callumz, 

Last night was difficult. Talking to you so honestly can be hard to do, because I've never opened up to anyone like that before. It doesn't happen. I keep things hidden, as you know, and I try to deal with it on my own, but it never seems to work.

I know I can come to you, because I do trust you. I trust you with all my heart and soul, and you didn't let me down. You haven't, and I am positive that you won't. I need you, my darling; I always have and I always will. You're perfect, flaws and all. 

Love always,

Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Ninety-Five

Dear Callumz,

We've come so far. This morning was different; I couldn't stay with you. Leaving is painful and I hate it, but I know that in four hundred and ninety four days, we'll be together all the time.

All I wanted was to stay curled up in bed, listening to the rhythm of your breathing, but the day had other plans. I think about you all the time- the moments we shared together, the things we do differently now.

You may say you're not good at being romantic, but the truth is that you are actually perfect at it. You always say just the right thing to make me smile.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Ninety-Six

Dear Callumz,

We've proven again today that we are strong. Four hundred and ninety six days left which we have to spend apart, yet we're happy. We have innocent fun together- the kind that brings only the purest of happiness and the widest of smiles.

We manage to find ways of doing the same things as everybody else- they may not be entirely possible at this stage, but it works for us right now. I'm happy with you.

As much as I cannot wait to start our lives together, I also know that you're well worth the wait. And so I'll wait as long as it takes to be possible.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Ninety-Seven

Dear Callumz,

No more secrets. You know them all, and in turn I know all of yours. I've always been scared to trust someone so much, but you have never hurt me.

You listen to me, you give me someone to cry to, you don't pretend to have all the answers. You don't pretend to be perfect, and that makes you perfect to me. 

Four hundred and ninety eight days until I can show you how much I appreciate you. I tried my best last night, and I hope you understood.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Ninety-Eight

Dear Callumz,

So many emotions, and four hundred and ninety eight days to go.

You make everything so much better, and we spent even more time together... it's magic.

I know you're not into the romantic stuff, but you manage to put up with it because of me.

I hope you know that I would do anything to put a smile on your face, even for a second, because your smile is pure perfection.

Again, you helped me. You could've done so many other things, but no, you spent so much time on me, for the second day in a row. I love and appreciate it so very much, and I don't know how I can possibly repay you for it. This will just have to do for now.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Ninety-Nine

Dear Callumz,

Four hundred and ninety nine days left. It's been amazing so far, and we aren't even together yet.

Last night was amazing and I loved every minute of it. I missed seeing your smile and hearing your sweet voice. 

Today was just as good. Spending the day with you was nice. It made me realise just how much I miss you and that I cannot wait for us to start our lives together. 

Thank you for helping me out today when I was slightly too special to figure it out myself. 

Love always,

Kaiteh.

Five Hundred

Dear Callumz,

I don't know the last time I've felt so nervous. But honestly, I am panicking a little. 

I've never done anything like this before. I have never written anything for anybody- not poetry, not stories, not love letters. I usually write for me, and me alone.

But you're not just anyone. You are my boyfriend who I love more than anyone in the world, and you and I know each other on such a level that we may as well be extensions of each other.

Because you're different, I've constructed a place where we can write to each other- I will write you a letter every day until we are together again, and you may write back if you choose. 

I don't know whether you'll like the idea so much, but I can only hope that you will.

Love always,
Kaiteh.