Three Hundred and Eighty-One

Dear Callumz,

Sorry in advance for the fact that I won't be talking much at all tonight. First is the fact that I have to go out for the school awards night. Basically it's a big fancy way of showing off how fantastic some of the people at our school are. I'm receiving two awards, performing and being announced as a leader for next year, so basically, there's no way I can just curl up at home with you as I would like to.

And when I do get home, I have to face the consequences of my own stupidity and procrastination. I have to finish an assignment which is due tomorrow morning. It's hard and painful and I don't understand it and I am certain that I'm destined to fail.

So basically, I probably won't be talking at all.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Eighty-Two

Dear Callumz,

We keep missing each other today. The three hour thing is tricky to get used to again, and pretty annoying too!

My day hasn't been all that exciting, but I'm hoping tonight will be. I'm going to spend it with you, all comfy and cosy in my warm bed with a mug of tea and a good book. If you're still tired, I'll just listen to you breathing rhythmically beside me, all cute and peaceful and relaxed.

If you're not tired, then we can modify that plan to suit us. We can talk and laugh and joke and kiss and cuddle for a long time. Those are some of my favourite nights. Being with you and hearing you be cute and sweet and romantic- and manly, very manly.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Eighty-Three

Dear Callumz,

I'm having a really good day today. I found out some really good news and I hope you'll be just as excited as I am. I've been working hard for it and it's something I'm really proud of, and I want to share with you.

Also, I've been talking to mum about you a lot this afternoon. I told her it was your birthday soon. At first, she was confused- she knows someone else called Callum- but then she realised who I meant.

"Oh, your Callum?" she said.

I had a little grin to myself. "Yeah, my Callum. Any idea what to get a boy?"

"Good luck," she laughed at me.

I explained you weren't much of a gamer; how you only like your practical, useful things. "Is dad this hard to buy for?" I asked.

"You have no idea- just wait until you get married- then you've got the husband, the father, and the father-in-law," she rolled her eyes at me.

I told her about you and your pin- "he was telling me about it and he was so excited," I said.

"That's cute," she told me, and I had to look out the car window at the dreary grey sky so she didn't see me smiling like an idiot about what she'd just said.

 So basically, you are my boyfriend, and everyone knows it. And they're happy about it. I think they've realised how much you mean to me and that this is going to last, because we want it to, and because we're serious. I may not have said the three little words about you to them, but I think they can tell- it's written all over my face, so blatantly obvious it can't be ignored.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Eighty-Four

Dear Callumz,

I had a really nice night tonight. I know I was being difficult beforehand, but once we got over that and got to talking, it was amazing.

Sometimes I wonder how you can put up with me- all my insecurities and quirks; my overactive imagination- and manage to love me too.

Either way, last night was one of the best nights I've had with you. Something about it made me feel differently to what I usually do, and so much better.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Eighty-Five

Dear Callumz,

I went in today for my second day of work. It wasn't super busy, but for the most part it wasn't exactly quiet either. It feels good to be good at something again; something I haven't felt or experienced for what feels like a reasonably long time.

Then I went on my lunch break. I went and bought myself some food and searched for a table by myself. It wasn't as awfully lonely as it probably sounds, but I couldn't help but consider how much better it would've seemed sharing my hot chips with you across the table, laughing and joking. Just being together.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Eighty-Six

Dear Callumz,

I'm sitting here on a Friday afternoon, just thinking about how my life used to be. On the second Friday of every month, I used to go out with a whole big group of my friends to these discos. I used to put so much effort into what I was going to wear, so that I could try and outdo my friends, and so that I could look good for a change.

It was fun enough, back when I was twelve. I had a whole parade of friends back then. We were pretty much the biggest group at this hall where they used to be. We used to dance and laugh and run around; request songs and be as loud as we could be over the loud music.

Then, all of a sudden, it wasn't so much fun anymore. Something changed one month, and we just stopped going. I guess we grew up and grew apart. It must have been for the better though, because right after I stopped, I met you- the best time of my life. Seeing you and talking to you was one of the most life-changing things I have ever experienced. I learnt about what it means to find someone you would do anything for, no matter what it was. I learnt what it means to be so in love with someone, you would do anything to be with them.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Eighty-Seven

Dear Callumz,

Sorry I'm so tired tonight. I will likely fall asleep before long, but there are certain things I need to tell you before I do.

I love you a lot, and nothing will ever change that. Not time, not distance, not other's words or opinions. Nothing.

Thank you for the hours you have spent listening to me as I pour my heart out to you in the most painful way. Even when I say things that I know hurt you more than you would admit, and when you're hurt enough to say something about it, you don't stop listening to me. And that's what I need- someone to listen and care.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Eighty-Eight

Dear Callumz,

This afternoon I went for a walk. We didn't go far, but it was a nice walk all the same. We walked a little way down the road from our houses.

We talked about a lot. Feelings and the actions that speak for them; the causes behind them that most people don't know about.

She knows as much as you do now- why I feel the way I do; and quite a bit about our relationship. There was a lot I hadn't told her, even though she's been through the same.

I'm glad I got it off my chest somehow. Talking to you is one thing, but you shouldn't have to hear the awful things I have to say. And still, although you try your hardest and I appreciate it more than you will ever know, she understands like I hope you never have to.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Eighty-Nine

Dear Callumz,

For some reason today is harder than usual to be away from you. It's difficult all the time, of course, but today I can hardly stand it. It's like I literally need to be held in your arms, away from the rest of the world, where nothing can hurt me. But the odd thing is, it's not because I'm unhappy- it's completely the opposite.

I think today is going to be a good day. It's already started that way. We just had a really nice conversation before I left this morning; then I found out I've topped Legal Studies. I'm the best in the class at my favourite subject. It makes me happy.

I have to go, so I'll talk to you this afternoon. I have a leadership interview up next. Maybe I'll be able to be school captain next year. I'm kinda nervous, but I have a good feeling, so I think it will all be okay.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Ninety

Dear Callumz,

I really hope last night was good enough. I liked being able to hear your voice, and I hope the way you heard mine was okay. You seemed to be kind of entertained, so I will assume you liked it.

I'm trying to figure out what to say, since we've barely made any use of the long weekend. I'm a bit annoyed at myself because, for the most part, it was all my fault.

I'm sorry I've barely spoken to you; and particularly about Saturday night- I know that hurt you more than I could imagine. I'm sorry about this morning when I accidentally hurt your feelings/annoyed you/upset you because of some stupid OCD thing I have. That wasn't why I tried to correct you this morning, but I can see why you thought so.

I'm just sorry that I've sucked so much lately.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Ninety-One

Dear Callumz,

I'm really sorry I ended up being nasty to you last night. I don't really understand it myself in hindsight; but I know enough that I can tell that it was uncalled for and that you did nothing wrong, and that I'm lucky that you've forgiven me so quickly.

This morning, though, was amazing and sexy and incredible. I never thought we'd have the chance, but I guess that's how these things work- you figure them out. I'm so so so glad we did; it was amazing and I'm really glad I was able to make amends and more.

I'm sorry that we will again miss another night together. This time, however, it is legitimately out of my hands and control. I have a plan, though, so that we might not miss out on being with each other entirely.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Ninety-Two

Dear Callumz,

I started work today! Even though it meant I wasn't with you all day, I am so glad I have this job. It's an excuse to be out of the house, to be somewhere I love, doing what I love and doing something I'm good at.

I had fun being out somewhere, talking to people. It's been lonely, just hanging around in my bedroom alone all weekend for a few months. I feel needed, too; and as though I'm contributing something. I know that we both need each other for life, and we'll get that, but it's nice to have somewhere that you have to be; somewhere you belong.

In the long term, where I belong is your arms, wherever you may be, but for now that seems impossible. But for now, I don't know if it gets any better than this.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Ninety-Three

Dear Callumz,

My family is impressed with you. Mum came up to me this morning and said you should be praised on how professional your reply was. Dad seemed impressed that you got back to him so quickly. My sisters seem to be in awe of what you are able to do.

When I heard all of that, I just smiled. I'm proud of you and what I know you can do. I'm proud of everything you've achieved. Most of all, I'm proud that I am your girlfriend- out of every other girl on the planet, you picked the nerdy girl from the coast. 

For that, and a world of other reasons, you mean everything to me and more; and I love you more and more every single day.

Love always,

Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Ninety-Four

Dear Callumz,

I've been overly emotional and moody over the past twenty four hours and I'm really sorry you had to listen to me freaking out on you. I know you say you don't mind, but it's still not exactly a nice thing for you to listen to.

Tonight, we're going to have a nice night. No drama; no complaining; no worrying; no tears. It's all going to be perfect and fine.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Ninety-Five

Dear Callumz,

We've got our own little worries and troubles and dramas: you worry about work; I worry about school and the people in it.

They seem like big things to us, and they are, but I know that if we lean on and trust each other, we can pull through.

Just look at all the exciting things- you've got a big job; you're impressing everyone with your programming genius and you have a *beautiful* girlfriend to smile with you and hold your hand through it all.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Ninety-Six

Dear Callumz,

I'm going to keep this short and sweet because I'm completely exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open.

I'm home, and I miss you. Being away from you completely, even if only for one night, was difficult. It was hard to close my eyes and try to nod off to sleep without the easy, steady sound of your breathing to calm me. It was hard to tell a whole bunch of people how much your gift meant to me when you weren't there for them to see it. It was hard to show people my 'inner self' as openly and honestly as we were asked to without you being by my side to hold my hand.

I don't ever want to be without you.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Ninety-Seven

Dear Callumz,

I'm lying awake in bed in this resorty place and I can think of a million other places I'd rather be. For one, my own bed might be nice, but even better would be yours. Just think: the two of us, wrapped up in your sheets and blankets, warm and cosy and safe.

It makes me think of when I was with you, on school camp. I really loved you then, and I know now that you felt the same way. Even though it's maybe a bit of a pointless thing to wonder about now, I often think about what would've happened if we'd known how each other felt then. You said we'd have gotten together, and I can imagine that would've been the case, but I always wonder where it would've happened; who would've said something first; how we would've said it...so many questions. I know they'll never have answers, but that's absolutely fine by me because I love the way it happened. Nothing could ever be more perfect.

You'll have me back tomorrow night; all to yourself. I'll probably be tired because I can't sleep without you here, but you'll have me. Kaiteh and Callumz; the way things are supposed to be.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Ninety-Eight

Dear Callumz,

I am going to miss you so much tomorrow night. It'll be the second time we've ever gone more than twenty-four hours without speaking. I wish it didn't have to happen, but I guess it does, and it sucks.

I can see you right now and you're being awfully cute and handsome and you look kind of dazed...And now you're being distracting...

I wish I could spend every moment of every second of every day safely wrapped up in your arms, but this universe has other plans for us right now. We get stronger and smarter and I fall even more deeply in love with you every day, if that's even possible...

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Ninety-Nine

Dear Callumz,

It feels so strange being able to write a note for three hundred and ninety nine days- completely surreal in the best way.

I really wished you were here today. My sister's having a birthday party and I have had nowhere but my bedroom and no one but you. If I were luckier, you would've been here with me, holding me, laughing and talking.

I miss you, Callum. I'm not home. I know I'm not, because my home is wherever you are. Just give me another year and I will follow my heart to wherever you may be.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred

Dear Callumz,

"Four hundred days left

It gives me the warm fuzzies

Together so soon. 

"The days that pass by
 Bring us closer each second
To our love and warmth

"We love our haikus
I wrote this for you today
Because I love you.

"You're my everything
You deserve such happiness
I hope I give you."

Love always,

Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and One

Dear Callumz,

"Anniversaries
So many in our future
Our eighth being today.

I wish upon us
That every year that we share
Is happy and bright."

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Two

Dear Callumz,

One and two more days. It's only a matter of hours now....it's exciting knowing that we've been together for just about another month, and our time apart is dwindling day by day!

I wonder how we'll celebrate- we don't have any set plans so far, and that's exciting- we could do just about anything together. We can share everything- every thought, every secret...every kiss...

And when we get to 0 days- the day we get to be together and hold each other for the first time....it'll be magic. I can barely believe that I will get off a plane and be with you for life...it's amazing; the best kind of real life magic there is...

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Three

Dear Callumz,

We have two very special dates coming up in the next few days- in two days, we'll be at the eighth month mark; two thirds of a year of being together. In three, we'll hit four hundred days left of being apart.

My mind keeps wandering to those days, wondering what we'll possibly do to celebrate. After all, it's a big deal- to be so committed and so honest and have such a strong relationship is unbelievable.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Four

Dear Callumz,

We've had a nice day today. We've talked about a fair bit- a fair range of genres of conversation!

Sometimes I worry about you though. You have a pretty tough situation. It means a lot to me for you to be happy, and I know that sometimes, that hinders it, no matter how much I wish it couldn't.

I can't blame you at all for wanting it all to just go away, and obviously I wish it would too. But I also want you to know that to me, you're still just Callum. However much we wish it wasn't, it is, for now at least. Even though it's something you struggle with, and we both may in the future, I want you to know that I want to help you. Even if worst comes to worst, you're still my boyfriend and I love you, no matter what. Your circumstances haven't changed that now; and they never will, because you're Callum, and you're different to everyone else.

You asked me this afternoon what makes you so different. I cut the list short, but I would actually like to complete it...

• You actually give a damn about what's happening in my life. When you ask, it's not because it's just polite or expected- you're interested. 
• You listen to what I have to say.
• You always know the right words to use to calm me down or console me after a bad day.
• You tease me nicely. There aren't a whole bunch of people around who understand when enough is enough, or how to pick gently on someone without making them turn out the way I did every other time it happened...
• You're handsome- it's completely undeniable...
• You take the time and make the effort to write back to me...
• You've never stood me up or broken my heart...
• You've never left me to cry alone for days on end...
• You treat me with actual real respect...
• You think I'm beautiful and you actually take the time to tell me that when no one else does...
• You're actually in a long distance relationship with me- I've never met anyone else who'd do that...
• You're intelligent, and so is our conversation...
• You can make me want to be with you really badly...
• You're honest, even when it hurts- I'd rather brutal honesty than sweet nothings...
• You've never given up on me or judged me, even when I've given you every reason to...
• You've never used the vocabulary on me that so many other people have- words I refuse to publish on here...
• You encourage me to do the things I love, even when I doubt myself...
• You helped to heal a broken heart- and for that, I will be forever indebted and grateful to you...

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Five

Dear Callumz,

I know you think I'm angry with you, but I'm really not. Not at all.

What I am is confused, and I'm trying to understand why something so small is so hard for you to say. It wouldn't have angered or upset me; made me refuse to speak to you or cry my little heart out the way I have been a lot lately. I would've understood- I've been in that situation a lot.

So please, just be honest. What else is hard for you to say?

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Six

Dear Callumz,

You've hardly been around all day, and when you have, you haven't been yourself. You've been upset and you've been unwell. I've been worried about you.

Now you seem to be in a much better place- much happier, less tired and no longer dizzy. I'm glad you slept.

I don't really know what else to say- not a lot's happened. I just hope that you stay like this so we can have a special night together.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Seven

Dear Callumz,

You just said something that is probably the truest thing I have heard anybody say- we are a really special couple.

I doubt that any two people could experience such a pure and unconditional love as ours by the age of fifteen. I doubt any two people our age could trust each other so deeply in a relationship so easily severed by ocean and time.

I love you, Callum. I don't think I could ever possibly say it enough- I love you. You are the love of my life; the only person I could ever be with. I know that no matter how much time goes by, my feelings will never change- I will always want to spend the rest of my life held safely in your arms.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Eight

Dear Callumz,

This note that I'm writing for today is long overdue. It has been for a while now, as are the three that precede it. I need to apologise for a number of things that have happened, and I think I need to just say it now.

I'm sorry for the awful things I said on Wednesday night.
I'm sorry for not being more appreciative of your time and soothing words.
I'm sorry for not being around much lately.
I'm sorry for not making that extra effort to talk to you.
I'm sorry you're not getting much sleep at the moment- I know that's my fault.
I'm sorry I have been a really crappy girlfriend lately.
I'm sorry I haven't been treating you like the perfect, handsome man that you are.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Nine

Dear Callumz,

Today's been pretty much the same as yesterday. I've been busy running around, doing stuff that doesn't involve you.

You still mean a lot to me, even though my schedule is pretty packed at the moment. You mean more to me than anything. I wouldn't be here typing out notes every day if I wasn't serious about you.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Ten

Dear Callumz,

Today's been a pretty hectic day- more so than yesterday was. I got my licence and I put it to use.

I'm sorry I've been constantly busy these past two days. I haven't had a lot of time to just relax and lie on the couch talking to you. But I want to tell you that no matter what or how much I'm doing during the day, you will always be the most amazing man I have and ever will meet.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Eleven

Dear Callumz,

Sorry I've been a little distracted today. Lots of family stuff- pretty intense.

I was sitting in the darkened movie theatre, illuminated only by the large screen at the front. I was watching a kids comedy which turned out to be not so bad, but my mind started to wander.

I imagined the movie became something we'd go as see together; and the arm rest to my left was raised. Instead of being an empty seat next to me, I imagined you were there. I imagined reaching for your hand and snuggling into your chest, smiling up at you- the man I love.

Love always,
Kaiteh.