Three Hundred and Fifty

Dear Callumz,

Today was the last day. The last day of school; the last day of needing to sleep well because of needing to wake up early. This marks the holidays; the times where I can just listen to your breathing and just enjoy being with you for a longer period of time. 

Today I was happy- properly happy. I got to be around different people, who took me under their wing with no questions asked. I got to be one of them. I got to laugh with them; I got to create inside jokes with them, and I became someone who was almost popular. And even though popularity isn't that important to me, it was nice to be someone else for a while- someone who wasn't mobbed by labels and other people's opinions. 

I just got to be me. 

Love always,

Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Fifty-One

Dear Callumz,

Yesterday I sat in a hot room with no air conditioning and wrote about how the journey to a destination is more important than the destination itself. It was long, and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open thanks to the events of the night before, so I barely took a second to think about what I was writing.

Now I'm thinking about how it kind of applies to us. We're on a journey of sorts, in the form of our relationship. We're in the process of getting to know each other, in finding out what we like and what we don't like, and discussing just how truly we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

Our destination is getting to be together. Our journey is the three hundred and fifty one days to go. While it's so easy for me to get caught up in needing so badly to be with you, and to just skip through the days between us like they mean nothing, they do. They mean everything, because they are making us. Knowing that you're worth the time and the tears shed over not having you here; it gives me a reason, as if I didn't have one before, to keep doing this. To keep waiting for you, to keep trying my hardest to be with you.

Because I know these days will stick in my mind for the rest of our lives.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Fifty-Two

Dear Callumz,

Last night was amazing. Really amazing. The only way it could've been more perfect would have been if they'd served cookies and cream ice cream for dessert and I could've spent the night being held by a certain handsome boy who I love more than anything in the world.

It would have been truly amazing if that boy could have played with my curled hair, wrap his arms around my exposed shoulders in the white strapless dress and dance with me on the deserted roof of the boat.

But I can think of a way that can still happen for the two of us in a few years' time. I'll wear a different white dress, but this next time, I'll have you by my side from then on.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Fifty-Three

Dear Callumz,

All my exams are over now, and the exciting day is upon me. It's formal night tonight.

In a few hours, my hair, my nails and my make up will be done; I'll be wearing a dress that I love and stepping onto a boat for a night out with my grade. I like nights like these, because it's the one time where I can actually feel pretty and not be laughed at by some girl wearing a more expensive skirt than me.

It's all planned out- the way I'll look and everything. I'm so excited!

And now, it's about time that I get ready!

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Fifty-Four

Dear Callumz,

I only have one more exam left after today! Stydy of Religion is finished for the year- another text book returned; another note book safely stowed away in my cupboard just in case I need to reference it for next year.

I've waited so long for the Christmas holidays. Now it's so close and I can almost taste it!

The plaza is decorated in all its Christmas trimmings; Santa's sitting outside Target. On my lunch breaks at work I can see all the little kids lining up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas. I remember when it used to be me. I kinda miss those days- the magic of opening the presents that suddenly appeared in my stocking on Christmas day.

The exciting thing is though, that one day, I'll get to be Santa to my own little kids!

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Fifty-Six

Dear Callumz,

Christmas is exactly one month away from today. It's a bit crazy.

It's exciting though, because it means that next weekend we'll get to put up our Christmas tree, and I can start wrapping the few presents I have managed to buy for people so far.

I absolutely love Christmas. I love the warm weather you get in summer- a perfect excuse for ice cream and beach days and just being lazy...

This summer, I want to go to the beach and enjoy the sun, eat lots of juicy yummy apples and read lots. I have an excuse now (as if I've ever needed one before) that my boss wants me to review books to Blu-Tack  up around the store.

And in between all of that, I want to spend as much time talking to you as possible.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Fifty-Seven

Dear Callumz,

I went to work today and I solved a difficult problem- the problem of the impending Christmas.

You see, I have this little drama which means that I have to buy everyone's presents within a few weeks. This wouldn't make me so different from everyone else particularly, except that I am going to be super busy over these next few weeks.

I'm a bit scared that I'll get you a present you might not like. And if I did get you something that wasn't particularly amazing, you probably wouldn't tell me anyway for fear of offending me.

I just really don't want to screw up our first Christmas together.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Fifty-Eight

Dear Callumz,

Today was my first school exam. Both parts of maths are finished. I now have a whole eight weeks or so in which I don't have to think about radians or quadratics or linear equations or statistics at all.

No more sleepless nights worrying about my potential failure, thank god.

At this point, I can probably change classes. There's a chance I will never have to think of any of those awful things ever again! But I don't think my parents or my teacher would like that very much. I still think it's worth a shot.

But I still have more exams to do, so I think I'd better go away and study some more...

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Fifty-Nine

Dear Callumz,

I had a Certificate IV tutorial today. I got to sit in the corner of the computer lab downstairs and type stuff up on one of the computers with a bunch of other people doing the same course.

What's kind of exciting is the fact that I've finished most of the course. It's supposed to go for a full two years, and it will in the end, but for the most part it's all finished which is really exciting!

We had to organise a legal breakfast today. Basically we had to sit in a circle and organise an event which is apparently actually going to go ahead at some point next year. For once, I actually got to chip into a conversation, and that was nice.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Sixty

Dear Callumz,

Today I was at the university for Headstart for the very last time. I had a great big exam in the morning that went for two hours, then I sat at the Brasserie and had lunch. I had hot chips and sat with all my classmates.

It's kinda sad to think that I have at least a year before I'll have to do all this again. I won't have to be there doing classes and exams for a long time yet. I'm really going to miss it.

In a few years time though, I think it will be better than it is now though. I'll have someone to keep me company during my hours upon end of study- someone who'll make me cups of tea and snuggle with me and grit their teeth and bear with me while I speak another language incessantly to myself!

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Sixty-One

Dear Callumz,

Today's the last day of classes for me. After this, I only have exams, and a couple of fun things. I have exams from now until Thursday. Next Tuesday is the formal, and next Friday is our final day, which is basically just fun- we go to the beach and we go to the plaza.

I'm pretty excited about the formal. I get to wear a pretty dress and do my hair nicely and have make up on for a school thing and YAY! I was kind of worried that I wouldn't have any friends there- well, none that would want to be anywhere near me, anyway. But maybe that won't be such a problem.

I really really wish that you could be here to see me and dance with me and kiss me, but since that's kind of impossible right about now, I'm happy to settle for taking a photo and sending it to you before anybody else sees me.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Sixty-Two

Dear Callumz,

Today's been a pretty good day. The sun's shining (even though it's really really hot and there's no air conditioning here) and it's quiet. People have been nice to me.

What makes it a better day is the fact that it's your birthday- you're sixteen now. Just like me. But that doesn't matter to me as much as you having a really good day.

I hope that you like the presents I got you, and that you don't miss me not being there too much. I want you to know that I think you are amazing and incredible and that I miss you more than anything in the world, especially today.

I wish I could be there doing your science exam just so you didn't have to (well, actually no- you know more about science than I do) and I wish I could make you a great big yummy cake (then again, I might want to wish for some cooking/baking skills first...). Maybe I just wish that I could be the first person you saw on the morning of your birthday- so I could kiss you and hold you and just be with you, making you happy.

At least that's something I know how to do.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Sixty-Three

Dear Callumz,

Today's been a pretty average day. Apart from the storm that's sending everyone mad, nothing really important has happened. You've taught me to do bad things, which will probably be awfully helpful if we have a very wet, stormy, rainy, floody summer holiday yet again.

I hope it doesn't rain the whole time. It did last year, and it was pretty bad. Then the year before rained all the time as well. Year after year. And they say this is the sunshine state...

The thing is, though, I wouldn't mind the rain. I usually don't; the rain's nice. Fills our tank. But all holidays, when I'd rather go to the beach and have my hair bleached by the sun and my skin slightly tanned (after the lobster colour fades), it kinda sucks.

I could do it if you were here. I could deal with being pasty with darker hair if I had someone to share a bed with. Someone with whom I could cuddle and share a big bowl of popcorn with.

That'd probably save me from the lobster coloured sunburn anyway.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Sixty-Four

Dear Callumz,

I rolled out of bed this morning and went to work, which meant I didn't get to talk to you much. Work's pretty tiring- being polite, smiling all day, helping people while trying to get my own jobs done. I love working, it's something to do, and it brings me closer to you, but it's exhausting.

You got the seal of approval though. I don't see this particular friend a whole lot, given that we run in separate circles these days. She said you were cute.

Even though in the past, these words have made me want to stick my claws into the person who spoke them and rip them to shreds, I just smiled and said, "Yeah. He's even cuter in person."

Because I know that I have nothing to be jealous of. I don't need to worry about losing you, because I know that I won't. That's impossible. Because in you, I've found someone who really does love me, for better or for worse. Not just when it suits you.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Sixty-Five

Dear Callumz,

I was sitting here today, tears in my eyes as I watched my friends walk down the school hill for the last time. Some of them I probably won't see again, and that sucks.

I also thought about how in a year's time, that will be me. I will walk down the hill for the very last time. In three hundred and sixty five days, I'll say goodbye to the school and everyone in it and leave through the gates, never to return.

At this point, I began to smile through my tears. Because even though it means sadness and goodbyes, it's also a beginning. My friends are stepping through a gateway to the rest of their lives, and this time next year, I will too. I'll see you again. That's the plan- to finish school and be with you again.

It's such a short time away now, I realised today. And even though in some ways, that's a really scary, terrifying thought- it's also the most exciting thing I can imagine.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Sixty-Six

Dear Callumz,

Tonight, we had a mass for the end of the year. For me, this means I only have a few more left to attend as a compulsory thing for the rest of my life. After this, I only have another two for school (that aren't in school times for stuff like Easter).

It's actually pretty exciting. I only have a year left at school. This is pretty much the beginning of the end. One of the year twelves said it's like having "...reached the top of the hill, and the view from here is amazing." Besides being almost literal given the topography of our school, metaphorically, it's extremely true. Even though I haven't quite gotten there yet, I can see the finish line.

And you're standing there, waiting for me, which I know will make the victory even sweeter.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Sixty-Seven

Dear Callumz,

This morning I had to go to school super early. We had a leader's breakfast, which basically meant "you twenty-three from this year and you nineteen for next year, wake up at the crack of dawn and navigate the damned hill and you will be rewarded with the company of each other, four teachers and egg and bacon rolls."

Oh wonderful.

It wasn't that bad, actually. I spoke to a few of the year twelves, which was nice. I won't see much more of them. Even though we really only pretended to talk about the important stuff.

I'm excited to be a school captain. Everyone else is part of the popular group, and then there's me.

And that feels nice.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Sixty-Eight

Dear Callumz,

I'm sitting alone in the library. I'm in the corner at a big round table with eight seats at it. They're all empty except mine. The computers next to me are unoccupied too. The fan above my head is spinning wildly, making the red and white laminated posters across from me protest.

I can see the two lime green armchairs across from me, and the librarian's long, C-shaped desk; and shelves upon shelves of books around every wall.

I don't really know why I'm describing all this, though, when I can see something that's so much more important. The little blue Skype icon on my task bar is glowing, and whenever I click to open it, I see the most handsome, aesthetically pleasing face I have ever seen on a man in my life- yours.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Sixty-Nine

Dear Callumz,

I'm sorry. For some reason, I just feel really crummy and grumpy and I'm being mean. I don't really know what it is, but I know that it's nothing to do with you; not really.

I guess I'm just stressed about this whole performance thing- at this point it's now interfering with my composition and that spooks me a lot. I need help with it, and he's busy telling me that I need to perform, and then trying to fix something for an entire hour and a half instead of something worthwhile.

I get worried- really worried- about stuff like this. I want to do well; I want to do the best I possibly can. I know you understand that because you have the same troubles. But you don't deserve for me to be mean and nasty so I'm sorry.

Can we be friends?

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Seventy

Dear Callumz,

Happy anniversary baby! I'm so happy to be with you. I've never met anyone quite like you, and I know that I never will in my life- you're completely one of a kind.

I read something today that made me think of you.

"You don't need your eyes to love, right? You just feel in inside you...It's just love, and no one forgets who they love." 
- Isabel Pullman, Wonder

Even though you figured I said that just because of the eyes, I have to say that it wasn't. I think of you when I read this because for the five months between when I left and when we got together, I couldn't stop thinking of you. I just kept remembering your smile; the way you played the piano; the sound of your voice...everything. I spent quite a few nights sleeplessly, crying and missing you.

...No one forgets who they love...

You are who I love, Callum. I always have and always will love you. From the tip of your nose to the ends of your toes. From the surface of your skin to your soul within. You're all mine, and that's never going to change.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

P.S.- Maybe on a more subconscious level, it was slightly to do with your eyes...

Three Hundred and Seventy-One

Dear Callumz,

Today at work I got to call people- talk on the phone and tell them that their orders had arrived.

It was kind of funny how nervous I was about getting on the phone- I used to talk to all my friends for hours on end all the time- when I had heaps of friends.

Now it's just you. You are the only person (other than a five second phonecall from Polly telling me to come to her place) who I talk to on the phone anymore. And needless to say, our conversations aren't exactly the kind I'd be wanting to repeat to anyone else.

It's going to take some getting used to to get back into the swing of things again.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Seventy-Two

Dear Callumz,

Today was the worst day I've had in a really long time. I don't know how it all went so wrong, but it did, and I need you to help me forget everything.

I feel really lost and forgotten about; I just don't know who I have anymore. I don't have a problem with having no one here with me, but I'd rather people didn't pretend.

I'm scared. I don't know anything anymore. I feel humiliated. I don't know how to stop the tears from coming and I just can't anymore.

I need you.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Seventy-Three

Dear Callumz,

It'll be a late night once again. Even though I'm actually at school this afternoon, I'm not going to be around much, even though I'm doing my best to be.

It sucks that I can't talk to you much today. I woke up this morning contemplating my ability to just lie in my warm bed all day and continue talking to you as much as I liked. But we can't always get what we want- so I had to move from my comfortable position on my mattress.

Still, think of it this way- tonight, I'm earning money that I can use to be with you. That's why I'm working- I want to be with you, and to spend every waking minute with you. I want to be able to hold your hand and comfort you when things go wrong; and I want to be able to hug you and cheer with you when things go right. I'm here for the long haul. Looks like you're stuck with me for life- sorry.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Seventy-Four

Dear Callumz,

I'm going to do my best to keep my eyes open tonight, but I can't guarantee much. It's probably for the best anyway, given that you're exhausted too. But in case I can't (which is the probable outcome), here's a rundown on my day:

I understood my work in Maths for the first time in what feels like forever. I began writing my English assignment following a rather long-winded lecture on how to do it. I mean, how many times can you hear how to structure a simple essay?! I did some interesting work in SOR- as per usual, I'm fascinated at how I, your little Kaiteh, who has never been interested in religion at all, can be so intrigued by analysing it all. I guess I found my niche. I started composing a piece of music- I'm impressed at how it sounds so far, even if there are only eight bars so far. I'm just impressed that I managed to get this far to begin with.

I got home and got ready to go out, and I talked to you and that was fun. I think I looked okay in the end- probably because I decided not to wear the boots after all. I had a spinach and feta pide at the restaurant, and a cupcake with blue icing and sprinkles. We played celebrity heads- apparently my work mates are a very mature bunch- and I actually managed to guess who I was. Usually it's really hard, but I got it!

Then I came home and crawled into bed to join my Callumz. He's gone to do something right now, and he'll be back soon. I'm really tired, so I hope he comes back really really soon. I don't know if I'll be able to stay awake...I miss him...

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Seventy-Five

Dear Callumz,

I've been thinking about you all day. I've been busy and had so much to say and I haven't been as good at listening to you and your stories as I could be. Plus, I haven't had as much of a chance to talk to you as I usually do.

Tonight will be different; today was ordinary. No more detailed explanations of every little thing that happened before I fall asleep. Nope; tonight I just want to hear you speak. Because I love you and your stories are cute and perfect and important.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Seventy-Six

Dear Callumz,

So I didn't get my lazy Sunday yesterday. Instead, I nearly wiped out dad, myself, and the car. I guess I still have a bit of work to do in navigating multi-laned roundabouts.

Today wasn't so bad for a Monday. My Mondays usually aren't because I have all the classes that I like on those days. But they're still Mondays- no more weekend.

This afternoon, I have another job to do- the little kids and their families need a tour guide, and I'm going to be one of them. I don't mind doing that; not really. I think it'll be fun. Plus, I know that they have a barbecue and cordial and cake.

There's the bell- I'm off again, as per usual. Time to get walking!

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Seventy-Seven

Dear Callumz,

I feel like having a lazy day today. I've been running around all week doing stuff, and I'm tired. I'm just really tired and I just really feel like lying in the hammock with my book and reading all day.

If only the dog hadn't eaten the hammock...

Even though we no longer have a hammock, that wouldn't have been a problem if the dog hadn't gone on to eat the mattress from the daybed too...

Looks like I'll just lie on the couch, or on my bed with my book. Maybe I'll have an apple too, if we have any. It's nice and warm; the kind of sunny day that makes you feel like going for a nice walk, or maybe a swim at the beach if the water is warm enough.

Dad's calling me. I think I might end up going for a drive instead. That would be nice- I haven't been for a good, long drive in a while. Maybe I can try and stop at that nice gelato place I know. I feel like having an ice-cream today.

I guess that means I have to get out of bed...I'll talk to you later!

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Seventy-Eight

Dear Callumz,

I had to get up nice and bright and early for work this morning. Given that I was up reasonably late last night, doing things that made me very happy, leaving my pillow behind was no easy feat.

I learnt how to take orders for people- how to enter them into the computer system; what information I need; how long they're supposed to take. I'm pretty proud of myself about that, but the real challenge will be remembering that for Thursday night.

I also did a very important task- sending away something I hope will make a certain someone very happy. I really hope it gets there, and that it gets there in time- Just in case you couldn't tell, given the fact that I have over two weeks to go before it needs to be there!

Right now, I'm hungry. I think I will continue iMessaging you while I go and get something to satisfy my growling belly, and you can read this later.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Seventy-Nine

Dear Callumz,

I was really nasty last night. I'm really sorry. I don't know what set me off exactly- probably a mixture of the exhaustion and the impending doom, the side effects of which I believe you're fairly familiar with with regard to me.

I really don't understand why I was so angry about that.

Either way, tonight was a really good night. Just genuine fun with my closest friend. We got ready, and we left to go to the primary. As lame as that sounds, it's actually a pretty cool place. Despite the fact that my school doesn't have air conditioner in 90% of the rooms here, they actually have an elevator! A real, usable one! How cool is that!

The order things happened in is kind of a blur. Literally. They had rides there; one of which was called the Round-Up. It consisted of standing up against a wall of this great big spinning contraption, and being pinned against it by centrifugal force. Gravity at its finest.

I bought a Cadbury showbag, and spent the rest of my money on food of other kinds. They had potato slinkies! Basically, they cut the potato so it's a great big curly thing, and then they deep fry it. It tasted really, really good! Imagine chips, but in a great big spiral on a stick. Oh yeah.

I got some chocolate truffles, two big chocolate freckles (a milk and a white chocolate one. And before you tell me, yes, I have heard that white chocolate is not really chocolate!;)); chocolate fudge and cookies and cream fudge. I think you'd like that, a lot. Maybe I should get mum to make you some one day, when you come and visit me without the customs people in the way.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Eighty

Dear Callumz,

Today is the last day of uni for the semester. I don't learn anything else there for the rest of the year. For the next two years, actually. No more Thursday afternoons off school; no more listening to people speak fluent Indonesian for three hours.

It's sad, in a way- it's the end of another year; and the end of doing something that I love, if only for a little while. But at the same time, I'm sitting here and smiling as I think about it- the end brings me closer to beginning again- the beginning of a life I will spend with you.

Think about it- no more ocean separating us; no more three hour time differences. Just us, together, reminiscing about the days when we were apart.

Love always,
Kaiteh.