Three Hundred and Three

Dear Callumz,

I think this was a mistake. Trying to write notes again...it hasn't made anything better. It's just made everything worse.

Look where we are now: You won't talk to me; and I'm feeling like the worst person in the world and I don't know how to fix it. I just don't understand how everything went so wrong.

So I'll guess this is my last note for a while. There's no point in doing it if you just don't care.

I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you now; if I'm supposed to say anything h at all. I can't be the girlfriend you want me to be. It doesn't matter how many nights I spend crying myself to sleep over not being able to give you what you want- it doesn't change the fact that you don't want me, because good intentions don't balance out the crap when everything goes wrong.

Love always (if I'm still allowed to say that),
Kaiteh

Three Hundred and Four

Dear Callumz,

I'm lying on the couch thinking about you right now. It's one of those times when you just couldn't be happier; when everything is so perfect you couldn't imagine it being any other way and you wouldn't want it to be. I'm lying here thinking about the future- the way we'll be together, for the first time...

The first time...the first time I'll be with anybody like that; the first time I'll hold you in my arms and know that everything will be okay from that moment on.

I wonder whether we'll kiss for the first time when I step off that plane and into your arms...or whether we'll wait for the perfect scene when we're completely alone...and I wonder what the first words we say to each other will be...I think I know exactly what I'll say...

I don't know exactly what the future holds for the two of us, but I know that it's ours- our lives are intertwined now...we love each other; we always have and we always will.

Low always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Forty-Three

Dear Callumz,

This feels kind of crazy. This year is almost over and it feels like we've barely begun. Even saying that, we've almost hit the ten month mark; the 5/6.

I can't really say I'm looking forward to next week all that much- I'll be away from you much more than I'd like to be. I hate being away from you.

I'm working four days next week, for at least six hours each. That basically means that I won't get home until around about your nine o'clock. That honestly sucks more than anything because it's not as though I can talk to you before I leave- you're always still asleep!

I guess we'll figure it out as we go along.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Forty-Four

Dear Callumz,

So, I think I made up for yesterday's crumminess.

Today was absolutely incredibly amazing and lovely and I love you so much. I'm so glad I got to give you a happy day, because I've been pretty much unbearable lately.

I hope you had as wonderful a day as I did being with you. It was nice just to be with you and hear your voice.

And also, I hope I was good at doing the things you like best- you deserve something nice every so often, especially now.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Forty-Five

Dear Callumz,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I've been really nasty and horrible and bitchy and a crappy girlfriend tonight.

What kind of decent person would say the things I have been tonight?

I have to say I'm sorry because I am. And it's not okay for me to act the way I was; it's just not okay. You're a good person, and a good man, and you don't deserve anybody, let alone me, treating you like that.

If you can ever forgive me if at all, I'm sorry, and I'll make it up to you however I can.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Forty-Six

Dear Callumz,

Today I went back to school to go and help out with a bunch of little kids. Despite what you seem to believe, it wasn't so bad.

Except for the forty degree heat.

I got to be shamed by a bunch of eleven year olds who can draw way better than I can, and be super excited that I remembered how to sand the corners of a stick, despite the fact that I haven't set foot in the manual arts room for over four years.

Then I got to go and help out in the tuckshop. I felt better about my past jelly-making failures after the guy that was there tried to dissolve jelly into cold water. At least I know that that doesn't work!

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Forty-Seven

Dear Callumz,

I went to the beach today. It was hot and sunny and it was amazing being there.

The one problem was that there were a lot of hairy guys with beer bellies running around shirtless as though women actually wanted to see all of that.

No thank you.

One of these particular gentlemen was a creepy old guy who, with his wife, came and sat too close for comfort to me. It was immensely unpleasant so we just left.

After attempting to frighten them off however.

We got a big load of oily greasy chips that we couldn't eat all of, and they were absolutely delicious. I kept thinking of having a third person there- you- who could've eaten the chips that we couldn't. And also to give me something nice to look at- an attractive guy without a beer gut or back hair.

Love always,
Kaiteh.