Four Hundred and Forty-Two

Dear Callumz,

Sometimes it's difficult for me to know what to say. I'm not quite sure what's right or wrong- what you want to hear and what you don't; what makes things better and what doesn't. 

Now's one of those times. Last night was pretty much no good, and once again, there's nothing going right.

I'm here, and I do want to help. I just don't know how. I don't know what fixes all the problems we have. But if we're here and we stop fighting with each other- just little things- it'll get better.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Forty-Three

Dear Callumz,

I want to hold you tonight and just be lazy. I want to just be with you, not doing anything in particular- just being together.

I can imagine lying back on the grass on a summer's day, looking up at the clouds and giggling at stupid pictures we'd make out of them. Making up stories from what we find. Cuddling. The possibilities are endless.

It means a lot to me that you read my writing. I don't really understand why it is that most of my stories have some kind of death and/or violence in them, but you go along with it, even so far as to say that one of the nasty characters deserved it!

Thank you for just being the way you are. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

Love always, 
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Forty-Four

Dear Callumz,

I'm sorry I'm angry at myself and just moody and spiteful and hateful. I just always have the same problem.

It helps to see that I mean something to you. The little notes you leave me are the only indication I get from anyone that I have some worth. It makes me feel like there is some purpose to me writing these.

I just want to spend a day with you doing nothing but holding each other until all the bad stuff just goes away.

You deserve more than everything that's going on.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Forty-Five

Dear Callumz,

Last night was perfect. Nothing bad; no fighting; no tears. Just us, being happy. I realised how much I've been missing with all the nasties happening.

It was nice last night not to have to worry about anything. To just be able to have fun being in love, because that's what's important. You remind me of it a lot, but lately maybe we both forgot. But it doesn't matter, because I'm willing to forget anything over and over again, as long as I can remember how good it feels to be in love with you equally as often.

It felt so good just to imagine myself beside you, laughing and teasing and kissing each other like we will someday soon. I love knowing that you're more than just my boyfriend and my future...like I tell you all the time, you are my best friend.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Forty-Six

Dear Callumz,

"I thought I should say

Just how much you mean to me

That's what you deserve.

"You are so perfect

You're handsome, funny and kind

You're my everything.

"I want you to know

That what my heart feels is true

I know that we're real

"We may be different

But always remember this:

I love you Callum."

Love always,

Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Forty-Seven

Dear Callumz,

Things are hard. It can be tricky, and I know I don't make a lot of difference to the situation, but I want you to know I'm here, and that I love you.

You may feel like no one cares or that no one wants you, but I do. I care about you and I want to protect you from anything that goes wrong. I want to be your guardian angel; your safety net; a pillow under your head.

I want to take you away from everything that hurts you. I want you to lie your head on my chest and just let me stroke your forehead, not talking, until you fall asleep and nothing can hurt you anymore. You're perfect, Callum, and I need you to see that none of this is your fault. You haven't done anything wrong.

Just let me take care of you. I just want to make everything alright.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Forty-Eight

Dear Callumz,

I really don't know whether you mean to or not, but you hurt me...I don't know whether you truly understand that I cannot help this at all, but that's just the way it is.

I hate fighting with you, and I hate having to have this conversation time and time again, but it needs to be said if the same thing keeps happening.

I need you. I need to know that I actually mean something to you all the time, not just when things are good. I need to know that you're not just going to break up me for something I can't help.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Forty-Nine

Dear Callumz,

We've come so far. Look at the number we're at now. We are perfect. We've spent almost a year apart, and our feelings and our love has never dwindled; and never burned so bright.

We have something special which many will never know. The safety you feel with the knowledge that you can be with someone, together and apart, and love each other more with every breath is unrivaled; unparalleled by any other measure of happiness.

You make me happy in a thousand different ways. Each has its time and place, but each makes my smile feel increasingly bright.

You are the most perfect and unearthly man I will ever have the joy of meeting, and I am the lucky woman to spend the rest of my life with you. You cannot possibly fathom just how loudly my heart sings our song, just to know that you love me too.

"Always, I want to be with you, and make believe with you, and live in harmony, harmony, oh love."

I love you, my bunny. For eternity and a day, I am here to be your mountain flower, your girl, your wife someday.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Fifty

Dear Callumz,

I hate that everything bad seems to just happen to you. It's not fair; you don't deserve it. You're a good person- the best person- and you should be treated as such every day of your life.

You can manage to deal with me and all my insecurities, and all my evilness, and you never judge or belittle me. Instead you just hold me and tell me it will all be okay, or you laugh with me and submit your own ideas.

We're halfway to four hundred. It seems like just yesterday we were back at six hundred. These days just fly by, because I have you in a million ways that seem impossible.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Fifty-One

Dear Callumz,

I really don't understand. How is it that you can change the way I feel in pretty much not even a second? It doesn't take much from you at all.

I was so angry with you. I don't usually go on a massive rant and rage at you, but tonight I lost it...I may not have been entirely fair to you, and I apologise for that, but I just had to let it out...and then all the fight went out of me.

And then, the sign from the internet gods...we are supposed to be together. There is a reason we have each other, and that reason is that we are meant for each other only. It may have been very scary, but it was also just nice. I liked how it just happened, because I can know that I'm making the right decision as to who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Fifty-Two

Dear Callumz,

I don't know why it is, but I honestly find it damn near impossible to just be happy half the time. I don't understand it, and I know you don't, but it's just the way it is. It's the reason why I'm so honest- why I speak my mind, which is exactly as I say- I don't believe I am beautiful or amazing; I'm just average, as I always have been.

Please understand that it's not that I don't appreciate your flattery, but to me, I cannot possibly believe it myself. For so many years of my life I've always just been plain old me, who no one ever wanted anything to do with.

Your compliments are sweet and I love to hear them, but it takes a hell of a lot of time to undo the damage that's already been done by people long before you came along. Six months versus three years is a big difference. I'm not trying to undermine your opinion; I'm just stating mine, which, I guess, has been proven correct over the years.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Fifty-Three

Dear Callumz,

So things got better. I am so glad that you're so much happier now because it absolutely broke my heart that you were hurting.

I want you to know that of all the six billion people in the world, you are the one I want to be with. You are the one I will wait four hundred and fifty three days to be with. I wouldn't wait for anyone else because no one could be as perfect for me as you are. 

Things have been tough, but we always know that we can pull through. Our love is strong and unbreakable, and nothing will ever tear us apart.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Fifty-Four

Dear Callumz,

I've been working hard on this- getting all the posts in order; getting everything perfect for you.

I want everything to be perfect and right for you. 

Hearing you today...what's happened to you...I can't help but cry for you. You don't deserve any of that; you need to feel love and know that you have it. 

Today, this is so important. You need to hear that I love you. And so, I love you. Callum, I love you so much, and you need to know that. Things can be really really awful, and you don't deserve it. You deserve to have someone who loves you no matter what. I don't care how you look; how you speak; how you dress. I don't care what you say to me; what you do; what you like. I would go to hell and back to make you happy, because your smile is the reason I get up in the morning and face the world. You're the reason all my problems seem less significant and the reason I can look myself in the eye in my mirror and smile. Whenever you hurt, I hurt for you and I would do anything to make it better. 

I'd do all of this and more- so much more- for you and only you, because you are the only person in the world who I could ever truly love and want to be with. You have all of me, and you have my heart, because you are Callum, the love of my life, and the man I am going to marry. 

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Fifty-Five

Dear Callumz,

I wish you were here, or that I was there. 

You are so brave and tough, and you don't even pretend to be either. You are completely honest, and you're not afraid to admit when something is wrong, like I am a majority of the time.

I want you to know that no matter what happens; no matter how bad you think something is, I want you to tell me. I want you to be completely honest; completely open. I need you to know that I'm no more than a phone call away when you need me. 

And when you feel like everything's just gone to shit, and that you are sick of everything, remember that I'm right beside you to pick up the pieces, because I love you. 

My arms are always open for you to run into.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Fifty-Six

Dear Callumz,

I'm sorry. Tonight I've been so grumpy, and so irrational, and you don't deserve my crap.

I don't fully understand why I act the way I do, but that doesn't really matter much I suppose. What matters is that  I do act that way, and that it sucks.

I love that you actually care enough about me to stick around despite the fact I periodically become a complete and utter monster. You offer to make me tea and get me cookies- I don't know any other guy that would do that.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Fifty-Seven

Dear Callumz,

I am currently typing this with wet nails, meaning that I could very easily wind up with nail polish everywhere. The things I do for you...

What exactly do I want to say to you tonight...

Well, I would like to tell you that tonight I would like to actually be able to talk to you. I am more than aware that  it's been my fault for the past few evenings, but I would like to actually succeed in my attempts tonight.

I'd also like to tell you, once again, that it's good that you love me, because I love you too.

Forever.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Fifty-Eight

Dear Callumz,

I'm sorry I've been really grumpy lately, and I'm sorry I keep falling asleep. I'm pretty sure it's all related to the hurties, but I'm still sorry.

It makes me happy that you still care about me despite the fact I'm really mean and not so nice and just generally a major cranky-pants.

I'm going to have to make it up to you for me being sure to fall asleep on you again tonight.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Fifty-Nine

Dear Callumz,

I don't really know how to say a lot of the things that I feel, and I know that you don't like it. I hate that I can't be so open and honest with you about those things as you are with me, but it's so difficult.

I'm not used to opening up, as you well know...I'm not used to having someone I can be so honest with; I'm not used to having someone who actually cares.

I promise that, from now, I will try. I will try to tell you how I feel. I can't promise that it'll be easy, or that it'll happen straight away, at first. But I will try, because I love you, and I want you to know that and believe me every time I tell you.

Starting now, I'll let you in on all my secrets.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Sixty

Dear Callumz,

I can never truly know whether you read this, or even if you do, how much you actually care about it. I don't know whether it matters to you. And maybe it's completely irrelevant and/or unimportant. I don't know.

Either way, tonight I'll do as I said I would, and I will begin to tell the first half of your bedtime story:

"Once upon a time there were three bunnies who lived in a big green meadow next to a forest. The big bunny's name was Flopsy, the middle bunny was called Daisy and the littlest bunny was called Carrot. 

"One day, the bunnies decided to go to the shops. But to get to the shops, they had to go through the dark, scary forest. There was a path leading through the forest to the shops, but to use it the bunnies had to find it as it was a long way away from their meadow.

"So off they hopped, until they came to a big tall tree, and they stopped. The bunnies could hear rustling in the very top of the tree, and they wondered what it could possibly be. 

"Then all of a sudden, a big monster jumped out and scared them, and the bunnies had to run far, far away. And before long, the bunnies really were quite lost. 

"After a hopping along for a while, the bunnies found the path. But the trouble was, it was on the other side of a great, rushing river. The bunnies stopped and scratched their little heads, wondering what on earth they were to do. They could see no fallen logs across the river, and there were no sticks big enough that they could use to hop along.

"Then little carrot spoke up: 'maybe, if we all find a bundle of sticks each, we can put them together somehow and make a bridge for us to cross!' Flopsy and Daisy agreed that this was indeed a very good idea, and they each went their seperate ways to find some sticks.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Sixty-One

Dear Callumz,

About six months ago, a lovely, wonderful and honest man said these words to me:

"In my previous relationships, lust was the driving force behind my actions. For you, I desire a deeper understanding of you. I want to know you, like no other. I notice your complexities, and they really interest me. I really think we'll go somewhere."

You were right. We've gone somewhere, and we still are. 

I love you so much. Last night was absolutely amazing and I couldn't have asked for anything more perfect. It may have only been six months, but it was amazing. 

It's kind of funny to think that one of the things you said at the time was: "Would you get angry at a guy if he forgot your *monthly* anniversary?" yet yesterday, though I definitely hadn't forgotten, you were the first to say something. 

You mean a lot to me. And as I said, I'll always be here when anything is hard. I promise.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Sixty-Two

Dear Callumz,

It's six months today

For the two of us to share

Such a special love.

Callum I love you

You mean more to me than words

Could do such justice.

The love of my life:

Happy anniversary

My dearest Sunshine.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Sixty-Three

Dear Callumz,

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. Six months means a lot; it's the interim of our relationship- the midpoint; the bit where, for some couples, who don't love each other as much as we do, things might start to get hard.

But we are Kaiteh and Callumz; Callumz and Kaiteh. Mountain Flower and her Sunshine. And I know that for us, this is just going to get sweeter and sweeter.

Because I want to be with you, forever, even if it kills me.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Sixty-Four

Dear Callumz,

Have you ever seen something that changed your entire day? Something so beautiful that it made you smile in an instant?

Have you ever heard someone say something that made you feel special? Something so sweet that you believed it in a second?

Have you ever felt something so deeply that you couldn't stop it if you tried? Something so amazing that you wouldn't want to stop it if you could?

You're more to me than any of that. You make heavy grey rain clouds become a cloudless summer's day. You make me believe in magic and love at first sight. You make me want to run through the dew covered grass barefoot just to be with you.

That's what it feels like just to know you.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Sixty-Five

Dear Callumz,

I apologise for not having said more tonight, but I've been distracted by writing things...lots of things which I hope impress you because they mean a lot to me.

Anyhow, I couldn't possibly forget about this. I never have and I don't think I possibly could- I remember the nerves of making it, wondering what you would possibly think after I published it and you saw it...there were no butterflies; just an entire football team stomping around in their cleats.

I don't know if you've noticed, but there's something special about today. We have only one hundred days to go before we hit the day when we only have a year apart. I cannot wait, because closing the distance between us is something I've wanted to do for a very long time. But I'm willing to be your Mountain Flower and wait for my Sunlight, because you are beautiful.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Sixty-Six

Dear Callumz,

We've been through a lot lately. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't really sure whether we'd have the chance to make up today. But we made it.

We can't agree on certain things, but it'd be a pretty boring relationship if we agreed on absolutely everything. But we agree on what's most important for the two of us. 

I'm not going to say any more about it, because there's no point really. It's done. We have to stop dwelling on it and not let it get the better of us as it tends to do. We need to do as you said this afternoon and focus on the really important things- love.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Sixty-Seven

Dear Callumz,

You're a very attractive human being. So attractive, in fact, that I think I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But it's more than that.

You're sweet- you refuse to ever call me "babe", but you make up like random names like "Mountain Flower" which is cute.

You're funny- you say whatever is on the top of your head, no matter what it is or how it sounds.

You're a gentleman- sure, guys have a pretty standard view on a few things, but you'd never ever make me do something I didn't want to.

And you love me. I can't believe how lucky I am that you love me back.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Sixty-Eight

Dear Callumz,

Sorry; this went missing entirely, so I just have to rewrite it...

Every day I hear from you is a day that I smile, with the knowledge that I am so lucky to have you. Hearing you breathe makes me glad to be alive and seeing the way you look at me makes me feel significant. 

I don't ever want anything to come between us or change the way we feel about each other, and I don't think anything could. If we can be together for just off six months and still go strong, without even being in the same country at fifteen years old, we have something good. 

It's not just any old couple that can do this. It's us. What we have is special, and it means the world to me and I know that it does to you. I am your Mountain Flower, and I always will be.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Sixty-Nine

Dear Callumz,

I keep trying to write something, but it's difficult because I don't really know what the right thing to say is.

I love you, and I want to make you happy, but I can never really understand whether I should forgo what I want for you or do as I wish at your expense.

I hate fighting with you about this, I do, but I don't really see any other way of going about it than to have it out. It just seems to happen a lot more than it should.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Seventy

Dear Callumz,

I am extremely tired so this likely will not make much sense but...

I love you, very much. I can't really think straight right now, but I'm trying. And I really don't think I'll be able to see you tonight because I can barely stay awake now.

I know you'll be angry about it and I wish I had more energy, but I don't tonight, and I'm sorry. I can barely stay awake and if I fall asleep I really am sorry, but I can't really help it.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Seventy-One

Dear Callumz,

Rule number one for playing a game against me: never get too cocky.

I've noticed with you, as adorable and endearing as it is, that you seem to adopt this way of thinking that you're better than me at a game of, say, Connect Four. However the trouble with that is, is that I am then obliged to prove you wrong.

I'm not about to offer my secrets and wisdom to you on a silver platter, however I will not be at all modest in claiming that I am the queen of Connect Four. And Paper Scissors Rock.

Perhaps in four hundred and seventy one days, we shall host a night where I claim my superiority once and for all.

I do love you, and sometimes you even provide me with some kind of competition. And for that reason, I will play games with (or against) you for the rest of my life.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Seventy-Two

Dear Callumz,

I am so proud of you. You are a truly amazing man. You're so young, you have your whole life ahead of you, and you're already on your way.

I want you to know that I'll be beside you every step of the way- when it's hard, when you succeed; the times you want to give up and the times you realise why you do this in the first place.

You have all my love and support forever, and I couldn't be luckier to call you mine.

Love always,
Kaiteh.