Three Hundred and Forty-Three

Dear Callumz,

This feels kind of crazy. This year is almost over and it feels like we've barely begun. Even saying that, we've almost hit the ten month mark; the 5/6.

I can't really say I'm looking forward to next week all that much- I'll be away from you much more than I'd like to be. I hate being away from you.

I'm working four days next week, for at least six hours each. That basically means that I won't get home until around about your nine o'clock. That honestly sucks more than anything because it's not as though I can talk to you before I leave- you're always still asleep!

I guess we'll figure it out as we go along.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Forty-Four

Dear Callumz,

So, I think I made up for yesterday's crumminess.

Today was absolutely incredibly amazing and lovely and I love you so much. I'm so glad I got to give you a happy day, because I've been pretty much unbearable lately.

I hope you had as wonderful a day as I did being with you. It was nice just to be with you and hear your voice.

And also, I hope I was good at doing the things you like best- you deserve something nice every so often, especially now.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Forty-Five

Dear Callumz,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I've been really nasty and horrible and bitchy and a crappy girlfriend tonight.

What kind of decent person would say the things I have been tonight?

I have to say I'm sorry because I am. And it's not okay for me to act the way I was; it's just not okay. You're a good person, and a good man, and you don't deserve anybody, let alone me, treating you like that.

If you can ever forgive me if at all, I'm sorry, and I'll make it up to you however I can.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Forty-Six

Dear Callumz,

Today I went back to school to go and help out with a bunch of little kids. Despite what you seem to believe, it wasn't so bad.

Except for the forty degree heat.

I got to be shamed by a bunch of eleven year olds who can draw way better than I can, and be super excited that I remembered how to sand the corners of a stick, despite the fact that I haven't set foot in the manual arts room for over four years.

Then I got to go and help out in the tuckshop. I felt better about my past jelly-making failures after the guy that was there tried to dissolve jelly into cold water. At least I know that that doesn't work!

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Forty-Seven

Dear Callumz,

I went to the beach today. It was hot and sunny and it was amazing being there.

The one problem was that there were a lot of hairy guys with beer bellies running around shirtless as though women actually wanted to see all of that.

No thank you.

One of these particular gentlemen was a creepy old guy who, with his wife, came and sat too close for comfort to me. It was immensely unpleasant so we just left.

After attempting to frighten them off however.

We got a big load of oily greasy chips that we couldn't eat all of, and they were absolutely delicious. I kept thinking of having a third person there- you- who could've eaten the chips that we couldn't. And also to give me something nice to look at- an attractive guy without a beer gut or back hair.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Forty-Eight

Dear Callumz,

Things seem to be looking up indefinitely. I went for a drive today, and I didn't even come close to having an accident.

It feels good to be in control again. Well, as in control of life as it's possible to be. There are certain things you can't avoid or change, because they're inevitable. But it's nice to just be. 

I guess I'm just really stupid for not realising it earlier.

Our Christmas tree is up now too. It's decorated in red and gold and it looks as beautiful as it does every year. It's kind of sad how it hides all year.

I'm excited about our first Christmas. And then the first Christmas we'll spend together next year. A Christmas tree we can decorate together- I imagine you'd pick all the colours and decorations, being a picky designer and all- and getting to be cute and cuddly on Christmas day together. It's hard to imagine anything better.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Three Hundred and Forty-Nine

Dear Callumz,

Today I got to keep being the girl that people liked. The girl people want to be around and make friends with. It felt amazing.

I worked with my friend- the same one who approved of you a few weeks ago. I told her how it felt to be liked and appreciated again for the first time since I came back from being with you- and she just looked at me and asked why I hadn't done that sooner.

That in itself kind of shocked me. I'd never thought of it like that before. I mean, there was last night when my mum told me I brought all of my crap on myself, but hearing it from someone my own age; someone who actually understood was something else again. I guess she was right.

So maybe next year won't be so terrifying after all. Maybe I won't have to retreat by myself to the library anymore, or be pitied by the year eights again.

Actually, I think it'll be the best year I've ever spent at this school. And I can't wait to be happy here again.

Love always,
Kaiteh.