Four Hundred and Twelve

Dear Callumz,

Today has been great. I got to see and speak to you and play Connect Four. I got to see you through the day without needing to be super quiet or hide anything. I can proudly show you off to my family- the man I love; the man who is so incredibly important to me.

Even if you did pick on me a lot; even if you like making me sad better than you like making me happy- I love you so much. I love every little bit of you, from your hair to your toes and everything in between. You're just so perfect, and I wish I was with you right now.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Thirteen

Dear Callumz,

I love you so much. You mean so much to me, and it feels really nice to mean so much to someone else.

I've never met a person who's quite as picture perfect as you are. You are always with me in a way. I wear my necklace and it's like you have your arms wrapped around me and holding me and it's perfect.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Fourteen

Dear Callum,

In two weeks, we have only four hundred days to go. In twenty minutes, I will be older than you. In fifty-one days, we'll be the same age again.

I'm really looking forward to spending a special birthday with someone special and lovely who means the world to me. I feel like relaxing with you now, so I think I'll just talk and stop bring distracted.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Fifteen

Dear Callumz,

Sometimes you drive me to hate you. Sometimes you're mean and nasty and annoying and I wish you'd go away.

But then, I realise- after seething on my own for a while- why I'm with you in the first place. You're smart and funny and you know just what buttons to press to make me come crawling back. It's too damned endearing.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Sixteen

Dear Callumz,

It's peaceful lying here. I have my blankets over my legs as I lie back on my pillow. I've spent the past two hours reading and listening to you breathe.

Your necklace rises and falls against my chest in time with my breathing; the blue and silver catching the light. It's beautiful.

You sound so relaxed- you're breathing deeply and quietly, only rolling over occasionally; so unbelievably perfect I'd hate to wake you.

I can imagine lying beside you on a soft blanket, a pillow under our heads. We're beside the shower with the water running; listening as it cascades onto the tiles and down the drain. I hope it relaxed you when I let the water run for you. Then I'll lie down beside you. I'll kiss your temple and stroke your hair and fall asleep, wishing tonight will never end.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Seventeen

Dear Callumz,

Today was one of the best days ever. I got to see you, my handsome boyfriend for a while, and a surprise was unveilled- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! Like I said before, it may be the cheesiest thing in the world, but I feel like if I wear it all the time, you'll always be with me.

We passed a fair few hurdles this week and a bit. You've met one out of five family members, and that seemed to go really well! I love you very very much and I know that they'll see why- because you're amazing and perfect and you treat me well.

Also- thank you. Thank you so much. For everything.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Eighteen

Dear Callumz,

Life is tricky. I know I've said all this before, but I'll say it again. I'll say it as many times as I need to for it to become as true as it needs to be.

Sometimes, we do things that we regret. I tend to do that far more often than I should. One of the problems with that, besides the obvious fact that we're bound to have made a massive mistake, is that people get hurt. Sometimes we hurt ourselves; sometimes we hurt the people that mean the most to us. And when we do, we can just hope and wish and pray that they won't harbor negative feelings toward us or our actions- I know I do.

I made a mistake last year- what has to have been the biggest of my life. I never intended it to come back around the way it has, but of course it did. And so I want to say, as I will continue to do as often as needed- I'm sorry.

I also happen to know that my sheer idiocy is not the only thing upsetting you. I just want to tell you, properly tell you, that you mean more to me than words could ever say. I want you to know that no matter what anyone says, does, thinks- I will always love you. And you know what people do when they love each other?

They look out for each other. They tell each other every single day how much they love each other. They keep no secrets and they listen. They listen to everything they have to say, and they always remain by the other person's side, just as I will do for you.

Remember that whenever you doubt- its truer than anything else I've ever felt before.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

PS- I know you hate my taste in music; it's just not your thing at all. That's fine. But I think that right now, this song just sums everything up. For me, anyway- I don't know about you. I've done this using a little trick from you, too- as well as being a pretty face; you're useful too. I think I want to keep you around...

-Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Nineteen

Dear Callumz,

We continue to have very very interesting discussions all the time...I'm liking this complete honesty- it makes me feel less awkward and happier!

And I really like the way you sound right now...I feel like I could do anything, be anything, feel anything...as long as I have you...you make me feel like a goddess...

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Twenty

Dear Callumz,

We've been talking a lot lately and I really like that. Pure open conversation with you is amazing. I feel like I get to know you on a whole other level I mightn't get to see otherwise.

This entire week has been incredible. I've seen you every day; I've talked to you for hours on end and I've been happy. It's funny how the little things do that- they bring just pure, unadulterated happiness that fills every part of you with warm, golden tingles.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Twenty-One

Dear Callumz,

Every time I talk to you, I learn something new about you. It's a given fact. Last night, though, I learnt so much more than I could ever have expected. I never thought we'd ever say the things we did, though I never did consider the possibility that the thoughts themselves could actually exist.

Last night, I learnt a lot about both of us. I learnt a lot about you as well as myself. Things I never would've thought possible. I didn't think I'd ever be able to open up to someone like that, but I did and it was one of the most amazing and rewarding feelings I've ever experienced.

The way it made me feel was incredible- I've never ever felt anything like that. It was so intense and passionate and all-consuming. I've felt pretty different all this week, really, but last night felt better than any other time. Incredible conversation and so much depth and possibility...there's nothing quite like it.

You've opened my eyes to a whole new world, I guess. Things I'd never dream would be possible for me. The options of people and places and things to do are truly endless. There's so much now that I could do with you- I just don't know where to begin.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Twenty-Two

Dear Callumz,

It's been a really good week for me. I've seen you just about every day this week and it's been incredible every single time. You look better and better every time, if that's even humanly possible, and it's just nice. 

I think I'm slowly getting better too. It certainly seems that way. I'm not breaking down as much, though I do have a few niggling nerves about a few things, but I know now that you'll help me out no matter what. 

I just want to say how much I do appreciate it- you do so much, and I don't say thanks or praise you half as much as you deserve. 

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Twenty-Three

Dear Callumz,

It never ceases to amaze me how every day spent with you is just as perfect as the last. It doesn't happen all the time, but I'm happy. I'm genuinely happy. I'm being with (in however loose a sense) someone who really loves me unconditionally- something I never expected to happen.

There's a certain kind of magic that exists in the smile of someone in love- there's a sense of purpose and meaning; a rare kind of beauty that exists solely for the other person, whether others can see it or not.

I want to write for you like I never have before- I want to write our story; our passionate, strong and enduring tale of romance- to put our lives on paper. But the trouble lies in where to start: does our story begin when we first locked eyes? Or could it be in our first conversation? The late nights spent together, or the night we learnt the truth about each other? Perhaps it even has yet to truly begin.

Maybe our story is in the here and now, or maybe it's always existed. Maybe it's a tragedy with happy ending. But the one thing I know, is that I could never finish the story of us, for a true love story has no ending.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Twenty-Four

Dear Callumz,

Today has been a really, really good day. It's been just completely, genuinely nice. It's happy, even with the dreaded Roof Creature stomping around and making a racket.

I'm lying on the couch with the dog lying on my feet. He's warm, like I imagine cuddling with you would be. Even better is what makes today so especially special- I can see you. You look really cute in your favourite hoodie-shirt. We've been talking all day and we even got to have lunch together.

You're smiling and cute and we had a special day- maybe we'll even make it more special...

But I know something amazing- there's a special man who makes these good days exist- there's rain and sunshine together, and a big warm blanket with someone who loves me- there's a special man that gives me happy days like this.

You.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Twenty-Five

Dear Callumz,

I don't know how much of this will make sense but I hope it does...

You're asleep, so I know you won't get this at least until you wake up, but either way I hope it makes you smile- I love you lots and lots and lots. I have to go to sleep myself, because I have a really particularly nasty headache and it hurts to even think. It's probably not making it any better staring at a screen and typing out this note to you, but if it makes you happy it's well worth it.

Basically, I'm trying to demonstrate that I will do anything to see that handsome smile of yours- anything at all- even if it's just for a second. Because there's something so special about it- just seeing you smiling and laughing and being happy makes me instantly smile and laugh and be happy. I think I know why to- because I love you more than anything!

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Twenty-Six

Dear Callumz,

I'm lying here on my bed, typing out a note to you while I listen to the sound of your breathing. You sound so peaceful. Right now, you're not tossing and turning; you're not restless. You're just lying still, breathing rhythmically as you dream of something happy.

I'm looking around me at my room- the place where I spend most of my time. One wall is covered completely by posters, picks and ticket stubs. My bed with rumpled sheets that I've just messed up by lying back on it. My ordered wardrobe. The crammed bookshelf.

It's so much different from what it used to be. It's changed so much since I met you. I sometimes wonder what it will be like when I'm with you. Will I still have an ordered yet still hopelessly messy desk, or will it be completely clutter-free like yours? Will my clothes still be ordered in terms of style and colour, or will they all be mixed together?

They're just little things I wonder about sometimes. Trivial things that don't matter, but are still a complete and utter mystery to me. But not knowing is exciting. I can't wait to actually get there and experience it- our lives entwined.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Twenty-Seven

Dear Callumz,

I watched a movie tonight which reminded me of doing this. We're apart, and I write to you every day. I thought I'd do something outrageously romantic; that we could look back on over the rest of our years together and smile at, knowing that even as teenagers we were hopelessly in love.

That's a bit what the movie is like- they're apart for a year. They write back and forth while he's serving at war and she's at university. Even though letters are all they have, they're still together. He comes back to see her, and it's amazing...for a while. 

Even though the couple in the movie don't work out, we're different. We have something strong, and real. We're not just two actors, pretending to love each other for someone else's enjoyment. We actually mean something to each other, and I really would do anything to make you happy.

Love isn't like the movies. It's not always perfect; it's flawed and sometimes it's difficult. But it's all these little flaws and imperfections that make it so wonderful and breathtaking and, well, perfect. 

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Twenty-Eight

Dear Callumz,

I love you so much. There's just something about the way you speak to me...in your voice...it's as though I can hear you smiling. I've never spoken to someone who is always happy to have me around- most people just sort of shrug me off a bit. 

But that's okay, because most of the time, I don't need anyone else. I can get by just fine with just you, me, and our Skype...

You do so much for me, and you want to do more still...I honestly don't know if there is any way I can repay you for everything you have done and will do...but if there is, I want to.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Twenty-Nine

Dear Callumz,

I'm sitting in another of my favourite places. There's a set of stairs down the side of the performing arts block. There's a bunch of trees in front of me and a cement wall behind me so I can't see all the touchy-feely couples getting a little too close or the thirteen year old girls complaining in hushed tones about something apparently deep and meaningful.

I'm sheltered by the roof of the building, and from the opposite direction there's warm sunshine that settles comfortably like a blanket on my legs. I can smell the gumtrees and dead leaves around me.

I'm exhausted. I could easily fall asleep right here where no one would disturb me. I could just relax and fall so deeply asleep that nothing would wake me for days.

The only problem is that you're not here.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Thirty

Dear Callumz,

What do I say? I can't feel anything. I just don't. It's numbness now that fills every part of me. I feel heavy and used, and I don't know how much more my battered being can take.

I've been bruised and broken; beaten and bashed. I've lived alongside broken promises and shattered dreams; ignorance and general shit.

It's like craving the sun in winter- it's cold and dark and dreary and if it comes, it's so much brighter; so much warmer; so much sweeter. But the trouble is, it's rare. This is the Antarctic. The sun is a rare luxury or just a dream.

That's how it feels inside me- there's no sun or happiness. Just ice and the demons that live there in the dark. Even if, by some miracle, it's light during the day, the demons creep out of hiding from under my bed and loom over me, sickening grins plastered over their pallid faces as they suck away my life.

I want to scream, cling to something and fight, but there's no one else around. I'm a hermit; I live alone in this shack, unprotected from the biting draughts that haunt me day in, day out. I've been forgotten long ago. Perhaps I could've been rescued back then, but the time has passed. I'm condemned.

The story of my life is no fairytale-where I exist, there's no such thing as a happy ending. I've never been locked away in a tall tower- I'm trapped underground. I've never escaped- the demons follow me. I'm not a princess- I'm the ugly troll.
There's no prince waiting for me- the troll never gets kissed awake or leaves a glass slipper at the ball.

It just waits for the day to come that it can fall asleep and never wake up. Perhaps someone, somewhere, will see past its disfigured face and forgive it for being a troll, but it would never in its wildest dreams consider that anyone could forgive it so genuinely that they could fall in love with it.

And then, how can the troll be happy? How could anyone be happy without knowing whether they really matter to someone? The troll has a worse predicament- the knowledge that they matter to no one.

It's an empty void. Almost a feeling of confusion- where do you fit in if you're dictated by everyone else's opinions? But what other way is there to be? Once you've been labelled by someone else, it sticks like superglue. Removing it is hard, time consuming and painful. You can hope it wears down over time, but until then, you have to grin and bear it. And however long could that take?

Step inside my mind for just a moment, and see me as I am- enter through my temple and step on the broken mirror. Glance down and see one thousand hideous faces staring back at you. You could scream, but you wouldn't be heard.

You keep on walking, growing heavier and more tired. The walls are closing in on you- colours all blending together, no matter how much you try to order things as you go. You panic. Your heart beats wilder and wilder; and you just want to scream and tear it from your chest to stop the feeling.

You sink to the floor and cry, knees tucked into your chest with your arms bent around them. You just curl up and cry; scream; wish someone would hear you.

Yes, that's who I am. An empty void; numb and dark. There's nothing inside me. Winter and no sunshine; silent and pointless. Whoever would love a troll like me?

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Thirty-One

Dear Callumz,

Last night I went for a walk near the beach. It was really beautiful where I was. There's something nice about a fairly busy town becoming quiet and relaxed at night. It's a complete transformation. The air was just cool and wrapped around my limbs, giving me goosebumps but in a nice way. I had a cookies and cream ice cream with Caramello Koalas in it that made me even happier.

It's the kind of thing I imagine doing with you every so often- going for a leisurely stroll along a footpath and sharing cookies and cream- our kind of thing. Maybe some day when we're here together, we can.

And another thing- today is the eleventh again, which begs a haiku:

"Seven months today

It's our anniversary

And I still love you.

"What you mean to me

Is as strong as the first time

I met your blue eyes."

Love always,

Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Thirty-Two

Dear Callumz,

Few things are as wonderful and priceless as spending a perfect night with you. A night where we can just be ourselves entirely- we can see each other and feel warm and comfortable and safe and happy. 

When those nights come, I feel happy like I haven't been in a very long time. It's one of the few times when I can just forget everything that's gone wrong in my life and just exist the way I want to. I don't have to be the way people have labelled me; I can just be your mountain flower, the way it's meant to be.

Last night was perfect. I have never felt the way I did then- so light; so free; so wanted. I felt like you really did need me as much as I need you, and I cannot tell you how good that feels.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Thirty-Three

Dear Callumz,

You are the most important person in my life. I love you with all your little quirks and your charm and sharp wit. You mean more to me than any of these words can possibly say, nor can they suffice in thanking you for being the amazing man you are.

There are so many details of you that I've discovered. I never thought it possible that there could be so much to learn about another person- the glint in their eyes when they've said something clever; their strong will and commitment; the way their hair sits when they wake up in the morning...the list is endless, and yet I know there are still a world of things to discover: the way you sit; the way you walk; the perfection with which your eyes close after a long day.

I want to learn all these things and more about you.The first time I discovered your name, I remember being so anxious about how I could possibly get to know you, and I've realised that it's time. Time is the only way to truly understand a person- their beauty; their strengths and weaknesses; their faults and imperfections; and the things that make them amazing- and the only way to accept them and love them unconditionally.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Thirty-Four

Dear Callumz,

There are some times where I am struck by the fact that I actually have you as my own. This morning was one of them.

Talking to you and listening to the skins of your easy breathing is something unrivaled. There is nothing so perfect or amazing or miraculous as knowing someone you love is alive with you and willing to do almost anything to keep it that way.

Even sweeter is knowing that soon, we're going to have that same feeling in a greater scale- the two of us in each other's arms, being together properly for the first time.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Thirty-Five

Dear Callumz,

I don't really know what to say. I've barely spoken to you in the past week. I know you've had a lot going on, and you've been sick and everything but y'know; I still miss you.

I guess I'll just say that it barely feels like you exist. We don't talk. We haven't had a conversation in what feels like forever.

Other than that, there's not anything to reflect on. I'm just a girl who wishes she'd mean something to someone.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Thirty-Six

Dear Callumz,

I'm lying awake in bed. I have a thick layer of blankets covering me and the yellowish light of my bedside lamp illuminating my room. I can hear the rhythmic ticking of my clock and this periodic sound of wheels rushing against the road. The smell of the paperback tucked under my arm makes my eyelids heavy and relaxed.

I can hear you breathing, too. Occasionally you'll speak, murmuring something I barely hear but that warms my heart anyway. Only trouble is, I can't see you, and I can't feel your fingers entwined with mine.

That's all I want right now.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Thirty-Seven

Dear Callumz,

I'm sitting with my back to the sun on the balcony of the school library. There's people everywhere underneath me, and there's a light breeze blowing, contrasting with the warmth of the sun. The smell of the dead leaves on the ground rises to my nose. 

It's a nice little spot, up here by myself. There's no one else up here, just me. It's a big personal bubble, and I don't have to talk to anyone. 

Sometimes, though, it's nice to have company. This would have to be one of my favourite places at this school. There's no odd looks from people as they wonder why I'm sitting alone with food and a laptop, so for once, I don't feel so awful.

But even so, I wish you were here. 

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Thirty-Eight

Dear Callumz,

You mean everything to me. I don't know how I can possibly tell you how I feel about you because the words don't exist. The way you make me feel is incredible and I really wish I was with you right now.

I imagine spending a cold night curled up on the couch with popcorn and some movie, just being together, feeling your arms around my waist, holding me.

One day, we're going to be together. We're going to be together for good. We'll never have to be apart again; we can just stay with each other. And I know I never want to be anywhere else other than your arms.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Thirty-Nine

Dear Callumz,

I'm pretty proud of myself because I've obviously learnt something from you about designing. It's kinda lonely today, but I think I'll manage given that I got reasonably used to it yesterday.

Sometimes I wonder how it could be possible to have someone like you when I may as well be nothing to everyone else. I don't really seem to matter in the here and now, but you seem to think I am which is amazing.

Right now I'm by myself, but it almost feels like someone's near me because I know you care.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Forty

Dear Callumz,

Last night was perfect. I'd missed you so much and I got to be with you. There's just something perfect about being able to look into the eyes of your best friend and know that you love each other more than anything in the world.

You mean everything to me. You're smart and funny and kind and sweet and romantic and cute and handsome and amazing and I want to be with you for the rest of my life.

Love always,
Kaiteh.

Four Hundred and Forty-One

Dear Callumz,

I'd give you a pinch and a punch for the first of the month, however it's already the second over there so I'll pass...

Today's been nice...after getting through my little psych out in the morning, which I really am sorry about...it's been nice just talking about random little things that aren't vitally important, but are just simple and make us happy. I don't know about you, but I think I may be well over the heavy stuff for a long while!

And a word of assurance- I'm really not all that materialistic; you do not have to buy me some expensive gift for my birthday! Honestly, I probably wouldn't really complain if you took a picture of you and framed it and sent that to me. I'd hang it on my bedroom wall. But it might be a little creepy of me. Either way, I've inspired you, but a little surprise wouldn't be so bad;)

Love always,
Kaiteh.