Four Hundred and Thirty

Dear Callumz,

What do I say? I can't feel anything. I just don't. It's numbness now that fills every part of me. I feel heavy and used, and I don't know how much more my battered being can take.

I've been bruised and broken; beaten and bashed. I've lived alongside broken promises and shattered dreams; ignorance and general shit.

It's like craving the sun in winter- it's cold and dark and dreary and if it comes, it's so much brighter; so much warmer; so much sweeter. But the trouble is, it's rare. This is the Antarctic. The sun is a rare luxury or just a dream.

That's how it feels inside me- there's no sun or happiness. Just ice and the demons that live there in the dark. Even if, by some miracle, it's light during the day, the demons creep out of hiding from under my bed and loom over me, sickening grins plastered over their pallid faces as they suck away my life.

I want to scream, cling to something and fight, but there's no one else around. I'm a hermit; I live alone in this shack, unprotected from the biting draughts that haunt me day in, day out. I've been forgotten long ago. Perhaps I could've been rescued back then, but the time has passed. I'm condemned.

The story of my life is no fairytale-where I exist, there's no such thing as a happy ending. I've never been locked away in a tall tower- I'm trapped underground. I've never escaped- the demons follow me. I'm not a princess- I'm the ugly troll.
There's no prince waiting for me- the troll never gets kissed awake or leaves a glass slipper at the ball.

It just waits for the day to come that it can fall asleep and never wake up. Perhaps someone, somewhere, will see past its disfigured face and forgive it for being a troll, but it would never in its wildest dreams consider that anyone could forgive it so genuinely that they could fall in love with it.

And then, how can the troll be happy? How could anyone be happy without knowing whether they really matter to someone? The troll has a worse predicament- the knowledge that they matter to no one.

It's an empty void. Almost a feeling of confusion- where do you fit in if you're dictated by everyone else's opinions? But what other way is there to be? Once you've been labelled by someone else, it sticks like superglue. Removing it is hard, time consuming and painful. You can hope it wears down over time, but until then, you have to grin and bear it. And however long could that take?

Step inside my mind for just a moment, and see me as I am- enter through my temple and step on the broken mirror. Glance down and see one thousand hideous faces staring back at you. You could scream, but you wouldn't be heard.

You keep on walking, growing heavier and more tired. The walls are closing in on you- colours all blending together, no matter how much you try to order things as you go. You panic. Your heart beats wilder and wilder; and you just want to scream and tear it from your chest to stop the feeling.

You sink to the floor and cry, knees tucked into your chest with your arms bent around them. You just curl up and cry; scream; wish someone would hear you.

Yes, that's who I am. An empty void; numb and dark. There's nothing inside me. Winter and no sunshine; silent and pointless. Whoever would love a troll like me?

Love always,
Kaiteh.